Life beyond chronic illness – gardening and healing updates

I have been spending a lot of time outside gardening lately, at least 1-2 hours everyday. That may not seem like a lot to some people but for someone who has barely left the house in almost a YEAR, this is huge. As my hands heal and I get my strength and energy back, I’ve been able to start developing a life again outside of chronic illness.

I am no longer bedridden. I am actually doing a lot these days out of bed, as I wrote about here and here. Although I’m still not leaving the house on my own to go anywhere, I can now hang out in the backyard for extended periods of time in extreme heat and do actual physical labor stuff – like weeding, digging with a shovel, watering my plants and flowers and carrying VERY heavy planters.

I am thrilled to say that after my incredibly stress-filled post last month, I’ve been managing my stress load a LOT better. In fact I have not felt stressed much at all lately! This has been mostly due to 1) intentionally stepping away from reading all the fearful news and articles on the internet; 2) throwing myself deeper into things that lift me up like gardening; and 3) with the help of my boyfriend, getting on a slightly better schedule that allows me to be in bed by 11:30pm. With everything going on and that we are juggling, this is the earliest I’m able to get to sleep – the earliest I’ve been able to get to sleep in probably the past year! I’ll take it.😊

I thought I’d share with you some of the things that have been warming my heart and strengthening my spirit this summer… because we could all use some extra joy these days I think.

These things are my sanctuary, where I turn when the daily grind and chronic illness gets too stressful or overwhelming. There’s more gardening and things I want to plant on the agenda but I have to pace myself because I’m still dealing with a good amount of fatigue. When you start doing more after being bedridden for so long, your body is weak. It’s not used to doing things like standing for long periods of time and moving various muscles. There is a lot to relearn and rework and it happens gradually over time, not all at once.

To be honest, I really wasn’t planning on growing ANYTHING this summer, that’s the funny thing. Gardening was the last thing on my mind throughout this chronic illness; I was literally just trying to survive. It wasn’t until the end of April when I realized that I was feeling so much better… maybe I could pull out some of the seeds I had leftover from last year and grow some food. Maybe it wasn’t too late.

That little “try it and see experiment” has turned into a huge labor of love that I realize has given back to me in so many profound ways. I feel happiest and healthiest when I am in my garden. I love watching my plants and watching the bees and butterflies flutter about from flower to flower. This is like a meditation to me. It calms my mind on a deep level and I could literally sit there, just peacefully being for hours. The whole process of gardening from the transplanting to the watering to the weeding to the fertilizing, etc is rewarding. Not all in the same way or on the same level but everything about gardening just makes me feel deeply satisfied that I am nurturing LIFE. Nature heals. Nature engages all the senses and sparks us to come alive.

I haven’t felt alive in such a long time.

What else am I up to these days?

Besides gardening, I’m mostly just trying to get my health better. My healing protocol has really consumed and continues to consume the bulk of my days. I feel a little guilty about this, even though that guilt makes zero sense. Anyone who has been chronically ill for a long time knows there’s nothing they wouldn’t do to get better. NOTHING. My boyfriend has even told me that he wants me to focus 100% on my healing because that is what will make it possible for us to move forward with all our other plans – like moving out of NYC for instance. That move was supposed to happen at the beginning of this year but got put on the back burner because of how sick I became.

So I’m trying to dedicate my time to healing and I am, yet it doesn’t come without a hefty dose of inner guilt. Deep down I feel like I “should” be doing more, should be working more, should be working on saving up more money during this recession, should be helping to try to take care of my boyfriend more because he is really holding us both up right now and there’s a lot riding on him. My healing has only been possible because of his sacrifice and continued help in caring for me day after day, month after month.

It’s absolutely paid off, his sacrifice. But I want to make sure he doesn’t get sick too because he always has so much stress on his plate. He also has his own long-term chronic health issues that I do not want to see get any worse. It’s not just about trying to ensure he eats well on a daily basis; it’s about keeping the home environment as peaceful as possible. Keeping things relatively organized and clean as best I can while still trying to juggle my healing protocols, bunny care, gardening, cooking, working, and everything else – this is hard!

The good news: now that my hand eczema is pretty much cleared up (YEEESSSS!!!), I’m working on healing the other various viral symptoms in my body:

My FATIGUE – which is part adrenal fatigue and part chronic fatigue – is much less than it was before but still present. Depending on the day and what I’m doing, the fatigue can be anywhere from low to moderate. I get tired often in the afternoon but usually just push myself to keep going. Almost every time I finish my morning detox smoothie I am overcome with fatigue so intense that I need to take a nap. Funny enough, I’ve been eating this smoothie everyday for the past 4 years and it didn’t always make me feel fatigued afterwards. This is a relatively new reaction that’s developed while having severe eczema, which is why I know the fatigue is all related to this viral flare.

EDEMA – I still have major swelling in my right hand and cannot straighten my right middle finger at all. This swelling I know is due to my liver being overwhelmed with viral toxins to the point where it’s overflowed to my lymphatic system.  I have had this edema stuck in my hand for almost a year at this point and it just does not budge. It’s my #1 biggest health problem right now and I am determined to clear it out somehow, even if it takes a long time. I am committed to the healing journey. 

I’ve actually started a cleanse (currently on day 25!) and I plan to continue cleansing for the rest of the summer into the end of September. This is a very ambitious goal, not sure if I will actually be able to do it but it’s what I’m aiming for. I’ll write more about the specifics of the cleanse I’m doing in my next post.

Here’s to summer and healing✨