Leaving NYC: How to deal with the fear of moving

The new year is all about setting big goal and intentions for ourselves, yeah?

Well, I’ve got a big scary goal that I’ve been sitting on for a long time… could this be the year it’s finally brought to fruition?

I’m talking about moving away from New York City. Not just to travel for a series of months. But permanently.

Scary!!!!!

Maybe I should backtrack a little. I am originally from NYC – born in Manhattan, partially raised in Brooklyn. As a child we moved all over the east coast so I also grew up in other places but ever since college I’ve been back living in NYC. That’s 10+ years of my adult life here, the longest I’ve ever lived in any area.

Which would all be fine if NYC was actually my jam. But the thing is, it’s really not. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not a city person. I dig nature and trees and fresh air, open space. I love sitting by the ocean, hiking, rock climbing, tree climbing, walking barefoot in the grass. One time I walked around barefoot in Central Park and stepped on a rusty glass bottle cap🙈

I get various levels of stressed out and disgusted every time I walk outside and see garbage and grime all over the sidewalks and streets. Which is basically every day that I walk out of the house!

I love having a car. This is not a burden to me at all – I love driving, I love having my own personal bubble of space to blast music in and sing at the top of my lungs. Not that I own a car anymore but I used to borrow my dad’s car often for road trips and I rent cars in my neighborhood frequently now. I’ve always considered it a huge joy and treat to have a car.

I am a highly sensitive person which means that I get over-stimulated fast in environments where there’s a lot going on. NYC is a special flavor of city, cranked to the max in terms of noise, chaos, crowds and grime, and to keep the stimulation levels as low as possible for me, I never leave the house without my headphones. When I ride the subway, I close my eyes and meditate the whole way – even if I have to stand the whole time.

Thankfully I don’t have to ride the subway much anymore since working from home but when I do, my tolerance levels are at an all-time low now from no longer having that daily exposure. I come home feeling nauseous with a migraine about 80% of the time when riding the subway to and from Manhattan now. This has been eye-opening for me, revealing the true effects the city actually has on me in a raw, un-built up state. I do remember this happened to me when I first moved back to the city over a decade ago.

Add to that NYC’s characteristically gray skies and long periods of cold stretching from October – May and it continually has me going, “Why do I live here?!”

My reasons for staying over the years have varied – there were great jobs, great relationships, a great apt deal. All my friends were here. It always felt like I would be giving up too much in some way or another if I left. I knew I had it good; to me, that should have been enough. I felt I should have been satisfied and not wanting for anything more.

But despite my reasons for staying put, the deep desire to head someplace that felt more aligned for me never left.

I always knew NYC was a temporary stop. Some day, when the time was right, I would head out for good.

Last year I came close to leaving but a turn of events caused me to instead lease out a house in Astoria while helping my dad who lived nearby.

Little did I know, this turn of events would be the impetus for my very-likely move from NYC this year.

++

A month before my dad passed away in December, I told my boyfriend that I wanted to leave NYC and move to Florida. “I’ve spent over a decade of my adult life here, in a place that has never felt like the right fit for me. Over a decade was spent knowing this was not where I wanted to live, yet nevertheless sticking it out year after year after year.”

“I’m tired of waiting” I told him. “My dad is going to die, I feel it. And I can’t stay in NYC anymore. I need to live closer to family in FL, I need to be able to help my mom more with her health. I want warm beachy weather and year-round sunshine and nature and frequent family time. This is something that has become a lot more important now, something that I need right now.”

I have the most amazing boyfriend who has zero interest in moving anywhere hot and balmy, who is a lifelong New Yorker himself, but to my surprise he said he understood. And we’ll do it.

We formed a plan: we would move once my boyfriend had a new job lined up for himself. I was so excited that we were going forward with this!

Leaving NYC… finally! At long last!!

That was 2 months ago.

The other day, my boyfriend came and surprisingly told me he got approval from his job to work remote. No new job needed. We could start the process of house hunting in FL and getting things ready to move down there in a few months!

He just needed to confirm: am I definitely still in?

Are we ACTUALLY doing this move?

What did I do? ….I panicked.

Suddenly I couldn’t give him a straight answer.

I found myself mumbling and saying things like, “I think so… I just need to think…. do we have to decide for sure right away?”

What was I doing?!?!? I’ve been yearning for a move like this with every fiber of my being for SO LONG.

What was up with all this sudden ambivalence and doubt?!

Fear, of course.

Pesky, growth-smashing, stay-in-the-box-forever fear.

Fear is what keeps us from moving out of the comfort zone and into the amazing lives that we dream of.

Fear is what was suddenly making me doubt this entire move and start coming up with all these little reasons why maybe it would be better to stay.

I found myself going, “I have a great house and a dream landlord… these things are hard to find… it would be a shame to give them all up. There’s 5 health food stores and 4 yoga studios all within a 15 minute walk from me… what other place has a setup like that? It would be a shame to give all that convenience up. There’s no need to own a car here… it would be a shame to have to take on that extra expense.”

Maybe I should just stay. I mean I’m already here.. I have it pretty good. Moving is a big expense anyway.. and what if it doesn’t work out?

These are the same kinds of things I’ve been telling myself for the past 10 YEARS.

I knew fear was rearing up its ugly head and so, I did what I normally do when I feel scared to step out of the comfort zone. I gave myself some space to reflect and get my priorities in order.

Struggling with leaving the comfort zone is something that most of us can relate with. Leaving the thing that we’ve known for a long time, even if that thing does not ultimately serve us best, can be scary enough and uncomfortable enough for most of us to choose to stay put. This is the reason why so many people stay in bad relationships, stay in jobs and careers they hate, stay in living situations that are less than desired.

It’s one of the big traps we face in life – we’re always seeking to feel good but sometimes when we reach a measure of comfort in some area, we stop trying to go any further. We become complacent and think, “It’s not exactly my ideal but it’s good enough.” And we stay stuck, not realizing that we are growth-seeking beings, here to constantly expand in life!

How boring and mundane life would be if we all stayed the same, never took any big risks and just stuck with what we knew to be safe and predictable!

Here are some guidelines that I’m using to help move through the fear and make the right decision for myself (and that YOU can use as well if you’re facing the same kind of fear and ambivalence as me):

1). Recognize the fear and reverse the ‘What If’ game

I find that it helps immensely to write my fears out and be able to see them on paper. This gets them out of my head and into a form that I can easily address. Whenever I do this and write my fears out, I find that so many of them seem to be doomsday worst-case scenarios lurking in the back of my mind.

I’m afraid to leave NYC because…

What if I’m making a big mistake?

What if I don’t like it where I move?

What if I leave NYC only to find that I can’t live anywhere else because nowhere else is as convenient?

I’m afraid I won’t make any new friends where I move.

I’m afraid the new place I move into will be full of spiders (ok you might be laughing but this is a legit fear for me!)

What if I somehow end up worse off than I am?

This last fear probably sums up all fears the best. At the end of the day, we hesitate to move forward with anything in life that might have us feeling more dissatisfied than where we currently are.

Fear always has us focusing on the negative and the things that we don’t want, while ignoring or downplaying the good stuff. So I always like to turn this little ‘what if’ game on its head by choosing to consider all the potential positives to be gained.

By moving to FL…

What if this turns out to be one of the best decisions ever?

What if I fall in love with my new city and way of life?

What if I meet a bunch of like-minded peeps and it’s easy to make friends?

What if I end up living in the best home yet?

What if this move leads to me getting more of what I want?

What if my only regret ends up being not doing this sooner?

It helps me realize that this ‘what if’ game is just that… a game. I can play it in a way that breeds fear and loads of doubt or I can play it in a way that fuels excitement and confidence. But just because our mind likes to focus on our fears as a way of protecting us, doesn’t mean they are any more likely to occur than the positives.

Furthermore, I like to remind myself that even if some of the fears do occur, like for instance if I end up not liking where I move, nothing in life is set in stone. Everything is changeable, everything is figureoutable. If things don’t work out, I’ll figure it out! I can go back or go somewhere else or do something in between. It will be alright.

2). Almost nothing in life is going to feel 100%

We can send our mind in circles debating pros and cons, pluses and minuses. It’s understandable for us to want to feel 100% about something before we act on it but what I’ve found is that more often than not, the perfect time we’re waiting for where everything falls into place never comes.

I’m trying to think about a major life decision I made that had zero downsides to it and only positive things to be gained and I’m drawing a blank. Everything in life has benefits and drawbacks. Life is a series of trade offs. A series of giving up of some things in order to say yes to others. We will always be giving up some great things in order to acquire other great things. You can save yourself a lot of stress when you accept that there will never be 100% benefits with anything.

Consider some examples from my own life:

Working from home – I consider this one of the best decisions I ever made. Being able to make up my own schedule, start and end work when I choose, eat at home and work in my PJs in bed are just a few of the many awesome perks (ok the PJ one I stopped doing but it’s nice to know the option is always there!😂) However, there are still tons of downsides and things that I don’t love with the work-from-home life. I have no co-workers to chat with throughout the day. I have to be very disciplined because there’s no boss to report to who keeps me on track. Because I don’t have a commute, sometimes I end up going the whole day without stepping outside and getting fresh air. These are just a few of many downsides with the work-from-home life.

Eating raw vegan – the best thing I’ve ever done for my health, ever! I won’t even go into all the many benefits I’ve experienced because I’d be writing for hours. But this diet is challenging to keep up with when traveling. It makes eating out with friends difficult. I’m constantly in the kitchen throughout the day and if I go anywhere, even for just a few hours, bringing my own pre-made food is a requirement and a given. Eating raw vegan can also get expensive.

There are trade-offs with everything. It’s best to stop worrying about the pros and cons and the things you’ll be losing or giving up. The important thing is choosing the trade-offs that you feel most ok with. This has made me realise that, sure, there are plenty of things I don’t exactly love about Florida: the flat landscape, big scary bugs, politics, strip malls, and the nature isn’t my favourite compared to the lushness of the Northeast or Pacific Northwest.

However, there are many more things that I want in an environment that Florida DOES offer – specifically the Tampa Bay and Sarasota regions: abundant sunshine, pristine white sand beaches, humidity, hot weather, space, the ability to wear skimpy beach dresses for the majority of the year, many raw vegan restaurants, inexpensive living compared to where I am now. Plus my family being there, which is a huge motivator for me at this point in life.

What’s most important to you?

What are you most ok with giving up?

These are the kinds of questions to be answering.

Ten years ago, I lived for career and friends. They were literally everything to me. I don’t feel that way now. I want better quality of life, more space, frequent family time. I want to start a longterm life.

3). Get quiet

My head is a total whirlwind of thoughts and doubts and conflictions when I spend my time attempting to figure something out by thinking more, by knowing more facts or getting more opinions. It’s only when I get quiet and spend some time meditating that all the outside noise starts to fall away and I gain clarity over what I’m facing and how I really feel.

How do you feel when you’re by yourself, when you’re not super stressed or reactive from the day-to-day, when things get quiet?

How do you feel when you close your eyes and just let yourself be? What does your heart tell you?

I know this move is right for me because when things get quiet, I start dreaming. I dream of sun-streaked hair, dewy skin, tank tops and flowy beach dresses, fresh fruit year round, white sands and warm ocean, waking up everyday to full sun and bright skies.

I dream of seeing the stars at night. Of going grocery shopping and having the luxury of a car to bring everything back. Of heading to the beach after dinner to watch the sunset and knowing this is a regular part of my life now, not a once or twice a year thing. I dream of hearing the birds outside my window in the mornings and hearing the crickets and katydids chirp at night while going to sleep. I dream so much of being more connected to nature.

When things get quiet, I stop being afraid. For just a short period of time, my head stops swirling with doubt and my natural innermost desires bubble to the surface, overflowing freely from the heart, a cascade of sweet longings. That’s what I trust in the most.

When I stop trying to figure out the hows and just focus on the desire.

I am terrified of making this move. I’ll likely remain terrified all throughout it going down! But I also need to push myself to go through with it because it’s long overdue.

I don’t regret my time here in New York. Being in NYC gave me some truly wild party years that I’ll never forget. It gave me a chance to work my butt off and hone skills. It gave me a relationship with my dad, one that I would not have had if I had been living in a different state or city. These memories of monthly dinners and car chats spanning hours and road trips all over the east coast are invaluable to me now that my dad is gone.

But I have a clear picture of where I want to go next. I’m ready to start this next phase of life. Terrified but excited about this move and new things to come!

---